Drinking Games
by DrivvenWrinth
Summary: When booze and Shinobi clash, interesting events occur. Crack/Humor. Warnings: Drinking. Soft yoai content. Slight mention of het. Various pairings mentioned. Some OOC. Language. Oneshot, COMPLETE,


Just a little drabble. Was inspired by weird songs drunk people sing...

A/N: From Drivven: I actually did the typing on this one, but FairyNiamh provided a large part of the story as I wrote this, so it's technically a co-author.  
So:  
Thanks to FairyNiamh for giving me more inspiration when the songs ran out.  
Thanks to Cutsycat for betaing this, even when she thought fairy and I'd lost our minds.

Everyone mentioned in this fic is at least 21 years of age at the time - legal US drinking age.

--  
Drinking Games

Bottles littered the table, the floor, a few empty seats, the place was covered with them. Three empty pitchers sat on the table, along with three heads. Sasuke was face down in a puddle of beer, lapping at it with his tongue, so far gone now, that his Uchiha dignity had completely fled. Head number two had sandy hair and a senbon sticking out of it's mouth. Genma was currently trying to carve the words 'Sasuke is an uke' into the table without lifting his head. Kakashi said he couldn't do it and by all that was unholy, Genma was gonna prove him wrong. The last head was actually resting on a gloved hand. Kakashi just didn't feel like sitting up, that was all. He really wasn't that drunk...really.

Kiba was curled up on the floor by Raidou's feet. The man was growling softly in his sleep and holding a beer bottle like a teddy bear. Raidou was the most sober, but not by much. His head lolled back and he was pretending to have a fascination with the ceiling tiles. If he could have convinced his muscles to work, then maybe he would still be sitting upright.

Jiraiya was sprawled in a similar fashion, his notebook in hand and a completely illegible scrawl across one page. He'd passed out writing. What it was no one would know, since, just after the man passed out, Lee threw up on him. Gai had attempted to clean up the mess, but only managed to smear it more. The others had been sober enough at the time to drag the big man, chair and all to the other side of the room, so the smell wasn't so overpowering.

Neji returned from the bathroom holding his head and mumbling something very uncharacteristic that sounded very similar to 'fucking jello shots, fucking Genma'. He seemed to take great pleasure in slamming the senbon user's head into the table as he reached for the tequila bottle. Genma barely even groaned in response. Kakashi's head came up a little and he smiled at the young jounin. It was a stupid lopsided smile and Neji ignored him in favor of another swig.

Kotetsu crawled up from the floor, using the table as a lifeline. Izumo just lay on his back on the floor, seeming to sharing Raidou's fascination with the ceiling tiles. Kotestsu cast a weary eye at the comatose Gai and Lee. "Thank kami, thoossee two passsed out." He had resorted to spiking their drinks with a chakra enhanced sleeping pill, before they destroyed the place. Youthful people like them should never ever drink. Kotetsu surveyed the group with a devil's grin. It had been a great party, but some of them would have hell to pay later. Tomorrow when Lee said his vows and sealed his fate, he might not be the only one with couch time in his future.

Neji was still sitting up. _What the hell would it take to shake that man?!_ He'd been their main target. Even Genma had helped to ensure the pretty boy would be here. So far, he'd drunk them all under the table, and supposedly he didn't drink. The famous Uchiha on the other hand did not handle liquor well. Oh no, Sasuke had been the first to join in on their drinking games and then the songs and had made a general ass of himself. Not thirty minutes ago, he'd been waving his mug around lamenting how he was so pretty and all the girls wanted him, why the hell didn't the guys?!

Kotestsu couldn't help but wonder..._Who could fit there dick in the little uke with his own head already up there as it was? _He shook his head and returned to Izumo with the whiskey bottle he'd gone to retrieve. Kankuro was starting to come around again. He'd been dead tired after bringing a message to the Hokage. When Izumo and Kotetsu had invited him, he'd almost refused. When they'd told him of their plan to see to it that Hyuuga Neji was rendered a slobbering drunken fool, the man couldn't resist. He was a mischief maker, just like they were. Like calls to like, you know.

Kankuro grabbed the bottle from Kotetsu, smiled wickedly before taking a swig. Then he leaned down over Izumo brushing his lips against Izumo's soft plump ones. Kotestsu's eyes were like saucers. Izumo's were pretty close to that. Kankuro just winked at his victim of the moment. Izumo opened his mouth for the kiss and the whiskey and found that he enjoyed both.

Izumo was licking the whiskey dribble off of his lips when Kankuro took a second swig and winked at Kotetsu. Kotetsu just smirked and took what was offered. A plan was already forming and he was certain that Izumo was right there with him.

Kakashi was enjoying the show as the first kiss was exchanged. He nudged Genma to get his attention and they both witnessed the second. Kankuro had no idea what he was in for. Genma on the other hand knew from experience. _Kami help him. He's done it now. _

Neji slammed the empty tequila bottle on the table, surveyed the damage and bodies lying around the room. "Genma-asshole, I believe you owe me."

Neji had been referring to him by that nickname most of the night and it was really starting to get on Gen's nerves. "Don't think you're the most sober one Hyuuuuuuga."

"You're joking."

"Nope, ya gotta prove it."

"How?"

Izumo piped up just then. "Sing...sing I'm a little tea pot...and...um...dance like a ballerina on the table."

"I am not doing that."

"Well, pussy, if you're too chicken. Come on K'ashi, lets show prissy boy here what we're made of."

The copy nin actually managed to get to his feet. He had to help Genma though. Raidou roused out of his stupor in time to see his best friend climbing up onto the table in front of him and he could only hope no one had dared Genma to strip again. The poor hetero man still had nightmares from the last time.

Kankuro was on the next table before anyone could blink. The man loved to show off. He was fast, but very very unstable, almost falling off the table twice while he waited for Kakashi to lazily climb atop one of the other tables. They all turned expectantly toward Neji, waiting to see if he would join them or not.

"Fucking stupid Genma-asshole." Neji grumbled as he rose to his feet and climbed atop the table nearest the door. "Lets just get this over with okay." He flipped his hair out of his face in irritation. Izumo and Kotetsu were sitting up, leaning against each other for support. Izumo started to count down. Whoever could do the dance and the song the longest with the least mistakes won. Just before he reached 'one', Sasuke fell out of his chair with a 'thunk'. The raven was out cold. Izumo giggled and restarted his count.

"Three, Two, One, go."

Four voices rang out loudly and off key, "I'm a little tea pot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout..." and they twirled and they sang. Genma was the first to fall, literally off his table. Kankuro was second, the whiskey hit his already addled brain and his feet went right out from under him. Kakashi surrendered to his loss of equilibrium fairly gracefully. He just kind of slid to the floor in a boneless heap.

Neji twirled and sang once more for emphasis. Then standing with his hands on his hips he scowled down at Genma. "You owe me Genma-asshole, now admit it."

"Like any of these drunk bastards will remember tomorrow Hyuuga. You're lucky I'm honest. Fine! I owe you. You won. Happy now pretty boy?"

"Well, I know I'm slightly amused." Came the deep smirking voice that could only belong to Nara Shikamaru. Neji wanted to die. Then Naruto's guffaw could be heard from the door behind him and he contemplated ritual suicide.

"Excuse me, but I do not find any of this humorous." Shino hissed. "Where the hell is Kiba?!"

"Damn it Genma. You're supposed to be an usher tomorrow!" Iruka bellowed hands on hips and glaring at his prostrate boyfriend.

Kotetsu and Izumo each had a hand over the other's mouth, trying to stifle their laughter. Kankuro was just looking at the little group at the door, wondering..._What is this, revenge of the ukes?_

Neji slowly sank to his knees, his back still to his two lovers. He didn't want to turn around. He just wanted to die quietly. Shikamaru and Naruto would never ever let him live this down.

Shino repeated his question in a deadly tone. "Where the hell is Kiba?"

Raidou roused enough to point at his feet and that's when he saw Ten Ten standing behind a still giggling Naruto. Her face was bright red and she was fingering a kunai. All the intoxicated man could manage was a very weak. "I love you honey." Not one of his brightest moves. The kunai struck right between his legs and that was after he moved.

Sai moved around Shikamaru to get a better look inside. He smiled as he stepped forward. "I'll just be taking this and going." He reached down and picked up the Uchiha's prostrate form. Once he had Sasuke situated on his shoulders, he smiled that odd smile again and wished them all a 'lovely morning'.

A few of them blinked at that, but the drinkers were in no position to do anything about it and the sober members of this little impromptu gathering weren't inclined to step in and rescue the young raven. Sasuke would just have to deal with whatever Sai had planned for him on his own.

Shino moved to where Kiba lay. He looked down on the man who was sleeping so cutely. "If any of you touched him..." The obvious threat hung in the air and immediately every drunk still able to speak was assuring him that while he'd been gone on his mission, no one had touched his precious little uke. "We know he belongs to you Shino, we would never do that, EVER!" Statements of that nature followed the bug nin as he carried the dog nin, bridal style out of the bar.

There was a collective sigh of relief just after Shino used his bugs to pick up his uke and head out of the door. None of them were in any condition for an all out battle with the sober, pissed off bug nin. They'd be lucky if they lived through dealing with thier own partners.

Kakashi grinned as he watched the show. Like Izumo and Kotetsu, he had nothing to fear. Tenzou wouldn't care that he was here drinking. What they had was even more casual than those other two. It was convenient and yes very enjoyable for both of them. Neither of them would rock the boat over something so small. People in serious relationships were nuts.

Iruka strode forward then and kicked Genma hard in the ass. "Get up asshole. We don't have much time to sober you up. You are not going to make a mockery of Sakura and Lee's wedding!" And that was when it hit Iruka. "Oh my sweet Kami! You got Lee so drunk he's passed out!" That was followed by a second kick that actually sent Genma sliding across the floor into a chair. "Damn it Genma! I am soo kicking your ass for this later!" All Genma could think, and thank Kami he didn't say it, was..._Isn't that what you just did?_ Instead he stayed curled up in the fetal position and prayed.

Ten Ten only had to crook her finger and point at a spot in front of her. Raidou got the point and he didn't want the fierce kunouchi to get any more upset than she was. He stood as quickly as his spinning head would allow and marched over to his fiance. Ten Ten took hold of his shirt and proceeded to drag him out the door and down the street. "You are not having a bachelor party." She informed him coldly. The fact that that was all she said scared the hell out of the big man.

This left the unconscious bodies, Iruka, Genma, Kakashi, Kankuro, Kotetsu, Izumo, Neji, Naruto, and Shikamaru in the bar. "So who is taking care of sleeping beauty and the other monsters and myths of legend?" Shikamaru asked in a light tone that made Neji cringe.

Genma was sobering fast and he knew a good opportunity when he saw one. "Iruka and I will. I'll help you Iruka. I really am sorry and this will keep me busy and help me sober up." It came out in a rush. _Kami, I hope this works._

Iruka huffed crossing his arms. "Fine. The rest of you get out of here and try to get yourselves ready for the wedding. You'd all better be shaved and dressed appropriately. And if even one of you falls asleep, I have enough intel on all of you... There are lots of stories that I'm sure Hokage-sama would love hear. That includes you too puppet boy." He scowled at all of them and the place cleared out quickly. Izumo grabbed Kankuro and was followed by Kotetsu and a still grinning Kakashi.

Naruto put his warm hand on Neji's arm. "Come on 'teapot'. We'd better go." He chortled uncontrollably as soon as the words left his mouth.

Shikamaru chimed in. "Where's your 'spout' again love?" He asked ever so sweetly.

_Please just let me die._

The wedding went off without a hitch. Lee was a little groggy at first, but his natural exuberance wore that away quickly. No one fell asleep in the church and everyone looked their best. It really was a lovely day.

Gai was his normal 'youthful' self on the surface, but Kakashi noted that his 'rival' didn't eat anything at the reception and didn't dance at all. That's something that the majority of the populace was grateful for.

Tsunade was very pleased about Jiraiya's condition. He'd bet her that he could still go out and drink all night with the 'young bucks' and come out of it in better shape than she had the last time they'd drank together. He lost. It was interesting to watch the sage walk around the village with a sign that said 'Beware: LECHEROUS OLD MAN' tied around his neck for a week, running errands for the Hokage.

For a month afterward, Genma walked hunched over. When asked what was wrong the man just mumbled 'fucking lumpy ass couch'. He glared and his senbon twitched in his mouth in agitation and most people only asked the question once.

Kankuro was laid up in the Konoha hospital for a week beginning the day after the wedding. Exhaustion and pulled muscles can take awhile to heal apparently. He was visited everyday by his new friends, Izumo and Kotetsu, until the Hokage figured out a connection to his slow recovery. The visits were stopped and his recovery pace improved immensely, even if he was a total pissy ass because of it. Seems he'd been enjoying those visits immensely.

Kiba became a bit of a homebody whenever Shino was out of town on a mission. Less chance he'd do something stupid if he just stayed home. It was just safer that way, for everyone else.

Ten Ten and Raidou both agreed, no bachelor party or bachelorette party. It seems that the bachelorette party had been rather wild, as well, not that Ten Ten would know. She'd been on a mission with Shino, Naruto, and Shikamaru at the time. They had only just arrived in the Village an hour before they located their significant others in the bar.

And 'teapot'? Well, Neji collected a new nickname that morning, a term of endearment that his partners used often and to their advantage. They even nicknamed one of their favorite parts of his anatomy...'little spout'. Neji seriously wished he was celibate sometimes.

--End--

I do not own Naruto or the characters and I sure as heck don't own the song 'I'm a Little Teapot'. I made no money from writing this and probably lost valuable brain cells in the process. :D

I'm a Little Teapot, written by George Sanders and Clarence Kelly in 1939:

I'm a little teapot  
Short and stout  
Here is my handle  
Here is my spout

When I get all steamed up  
Hear me shout  
"Tip me over  
and pour me out!"


End file.
